Image created by https://www.arte.tv/digitalproductions/en/californium/
Philip K. Dick wrote an essay that I probably read once a year, entitled “How to Build a Universe That Doesn’t Fall Apart Two Days Later.”
He delivered it as a talk in 1978 at a Science Fiction Convention in Metz, France, and joked about building universes that fall apart after two days - meaning stories that don’t hold up - but then expands it into a profound meditation on the instability of reality itself.
Many people, like me, return to his essay regularly because it reads almost like a manifesto for imagination, sanity and survival in a world where truth seems fragile and shifting.
In terms of my mucking about in the kitchen, there’s one truth that’s held fast over the decades - most homemade burgers will fall apart upon cooking. Philip K. Dick would probably see the collapsing burger as a microcosm of his interest in collapsing realities. In other words, a collapsing burger hits hard. It hurts.
For Dick, the failed burger wouldn’t just be about finding the right binding agents - it serves to underline the illusion of stability. Just like his universes, the patty can appear coherent until pressure (heat, time, scrutiny) reveals it’s unstable.
And I’ve come to this conclusion because I’m tired of making tasty burgers than then turn into mush. I knew it was about more than the burger; it’s about the very nature of existence!
Ok, I might be over (vegan) egging it, but after years of thinking ‘I’ve cracked it this time’, I’m here today to share my hard-won burger integrity tips.
And the list of recipes below are natural, none of this strange ‘bleeding’ effects, or lab-created franken meats.
Help me save up for a 10kg tub of kappa carrageenan, with a virtual coffee here
Stretching the connection between Dick’s writing and burgers even further, it just hit me that using the test in his book ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?’ (which was made into the Bladerunner movie) to decide if a person is human or android, in being upset by a collapsed burger, we reveal our true human nature; the broken burger is a metaphor for an imperfect imitation - the same way androids are uncanny approximations of humans.
What I’ve been thinking about is why it upsets me so much – and in Dick’s reality-obsessed writing, the broken burger becomes a culinary empathy test. If you can still appreciate its flavour, its intention, even its fragility, you are perhaps revealing that you’re more human than those who demand perfect replication. So maybe, a broken burger is simply a way to remind ourselves that we, and the universe we inhabit, are indeed very real. Phew.
The goal - solid patties! Photo by Sofía Nuñez: https://www.pexels.com/photo/pile-of-vegetarian-chop-on-plate-17810028/
I can try to intellectualise eating a burger all I like. The truth of the matter is when you’ve worked out a recipe, bought and gathered the ingredients, spent time and love and effort making it, only for it to collapse, that’s really f**&^%% annoying, right? You have every right to feel upset, without resorting to quoting Philp K Dick and questioning reality!
Don’t flip out
So, a couple of top tips – make sure your ingredients are well mixed, and not too wet. Aways chill or freeze your burger patty mix. And be acutely aware of the flip time. Let them sit in a pan on medium heat for a looong time – I’d say at least 5-7 minutes each side. Don’t be like me and prod and poke them, and sneak a peak at the underside. That way, collapse lies.
Without further ado, here are five burgers that I’ve tried and tested using different binders and methods to try and keep them together, which ultimately helps you keep it together in an increasingly maddening universe. Life’s too short to witness collapsing burgers, right?
The Recipes
Texan BBQ “Meaty” Burger
A smoky, hearty burger with a seitan-like chew that stands up to grilling or barbecuing. Vital wheat gluten ensures the patties are firm and meaty.
Ingredients (4 burgers):
1 cup cooked black beans (drained well and very well mashed)
1 cup finely chopped mushrooms (sautéed until dry)
½ cup vital wheat gluten
2 tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp tomato paste
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp onion powder
½ tsp liquid smoke (optional, I find it a bit nasty)
½ cup breadcrumbs
Vegan BBQ sauce (for glazing)
Preparation:
Combine your mushed beans, cooked mushrooms, seasonings, soy sauce, tomato paste, and olive oil in a bowl.
Stir in breadcrumbs, then knead in VWG until the dough becomes elastic.
Shape into 4 patties, wrap in foil, and steam for 30 minutes.
Chill for at least 30 minutes (or freeze 15 minutes) to set.
Finish on a grill or pan-fry, brushing with BBQ sauce until glazed.
Thai Sweetcorn & Lemongrass Burger
A fragrant, crisp-edged burger with sweetcorn kernels, herbs, and the binding power of vegan egg and rice flour. I know it’s a burger, but you could serve this alone, on top of rice or a pile of Thai-inspired noodles and veg.
Ingredients (4 burgers):
2 cups sweetcorn (fresh or frozen, thawed)
1 carrot, grated
3 spring onions, finely chopped
1 tbsp fresh ginger, minced
1 stalk lemongrass, finely minced (the inside bit, that is)
2 tbsp coriander, chopped
1 red chilli, finely chopped
½ cup rice flour
½ cup vegan egg (e.g. JUST Egg) or flegg (flax seed egg – combine 1 tablespoon ground flaxseed (golden or brown) with 3 tablespoons water (room temperature), leave it for ten minutes, then use as you would an egg
2 tbsp soy sauce
Oil for frying
Preparation:
Mix all vegetables and herbs in a large bowl.
Stir in rice flour and vegan egg until the mixture holds together.
Gently shape into 4 patties and chill for at least 30 minutes.
Pan-fry in a little oil over medium heat until golden and firm on each side.
Smoky Mexican Black Bean Burger
This bold, smoky burger is made with black beans, chipotle, and masa harina, bound with kappa carrageenan for a sturdy texture.
Ingredients (4 burgers):
1½ cups black beans, mashed
½ cup roasted red peppers, chopped
1 tbsp chipotle in adobo, minced
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp smoked paprika
½ cup masa harina (or substitute with fine cornmeal/polenta (not instant) in equal measure. If neither is available, use crushed plain tortilla chips or cornflakes plus 1 tbsp plain flour) to help cohesion
½ tsp kappa carrageenan, dissolved in ¼ cup hot water
2 tbsp olive oil
Preparation:
Mix beans, peppers, chipotle, spices, and masa harina.
Stir in the dissolved carrageenan while warm, mix thoroughly.
Shape into 4 patties, chill for at least 1 hour to allow the gel to set.
Pan-fry or bake at 190°C until browned and firm.
Middle East-inspired Shawarma Burger
A spiced, juicy burger inspired by shawarma, using tofu and cornstarch as reliable binders.
Ingredients (4 burgers):
1 block firm tofu, pressed and crumbled
1 cup cooked chickpeas, mashed
1 cup finely chopped mushrooms (sautéed dry)*
2 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp cornstarch
1 tbsp tahini
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp coriander
½ tsp cinnamon
½ tsp allspice
1 tsp paprika
Salt and pepper to taste
*Note: If you find mushrooms repugnant, you can try replacing them with one of the following, cooked until dry to avoid soggy patties: rehydrated textured soy protein (TVP), squeezed very dry; finely chopped aubergine (eggplant) sautéed until it gives up moisture; or a walnut mince (walnuts pulsed to a coarse crumb and lightly toasted)
Preparation:
Combine tofu, chickpeas, and mushrooms (or replacement, see above) in a large bowl.
Stir in spices, tahini, and olive oil.
Add cornstarch and mix until sticky.
Form into 4 patties and refrigerate for 1 hour.
Pan-fry in a lightly oiled skillet or grill until crisp outside and hot inside.
Spicy Indian Masala Burger
A flavourful potato-and-pea burger laced with Indian spices, bound firmly with chickpea flour and flax egg.
Ingredients (4 burgers):
2 medium potatoes, boiled and mashed
1 cup peas, cooked and mashed lightly
1 onion, finely chopped and sautéed
2 green chillies, finely chopped
2 tbsp coriander, chopped
1 tsp garam masala
½ tsp turmeric
1 tsp cumin seeds (toasted)
2 tbsp chickpea flour (besan)
1 flax egg (1 tbsp ground flax + 3 tbsp water, left for up to 10 minutes)
Oil for frying
Preparation:
Combine mashed potato, peas, onion, chillies, and spices.
Stir in chickpea flour and flax egg until the mixture is cohesive.
Form into 4 patties and refrigerate for 1 hour.
Shallow-fry in oil over medium heat until golden and crisp.
Remember: Always refrigerate or briefly freeze patties before cooking to lock in structure. And resist flipping too early - let a firm crust form first.
That’s all folks! May your burgers always enjoy structural integrity, and as Philip K. Dick might have said if he was considering burgers: “The burger that falls apart teaches us the same lesson as a universe that flickers at the edges: reality doesn’t owe us coherence. If it nourishes us for a moment, it is enough. Until the next bite - hold fast to what doesn’t fall apart when you stop believing in it.”
had to look up kappa carrageenan, well done