A Proper Picnic
Al fresco eating needn’t involve murder...or litter
Here in the UK, we’re firmly into that six day window we call summer. The time when we get weather warm enough to peel off your thermals and venture outside.
And of course, to any proud Brit, that means grabbing a bunch of food and sitting somewhere grassy to eat it, pretending you’re comfortable, and trying not to get mud, grass or bugs in your mouth, all while wondering what’s on telly.
This, dear reader, is the ritual of the picnic. An over-egged (and under-seasoned) event if there ever was one.
I think my distaste for all things picnic possibly stems as far back as 1977, when my village planned to host a street party in celebration of Queen Elizabeth’s Silver jubilee. It being mid-summer, the day saw heavy rain, of course, and the outdoor party was shifted to the village hall, a stark 1960s building with all the charm of a Nissen Hut.
It’s also down to the planning. There’s no nipping to the kitchen for more water/ ice/ food. You must take everything you might possibly need for an afternoon of lolling around trying to find the most comfortable position without looking like an upturned tortoise or a beached whale, while also trying not to choke on a dry sandwich with upturned edges…
There must be wicker, in basket form, and it must be better than your neighbours. Yes, these days you can rock up with an Aldi ‘bag for life’ brimming with snacks, but you’ll be sneered at by the picnic purists.
There are those, of course, who bring chairs, bunting, music, games and positivity to the proceedings. They are to be loathed; damn their planning, organisation and motivational skills, never mind their yogic sitting ability.
“If ants are such busy workers, how come they find time to go to all the picnics?”
— Marie Dressler
Brits don’t sit
This getting down on the ground to eat is supposed to be good for you, and it’s something enjoyed by many a culture, but not by British people. My partner has a whole comedy routine based on the palava I go through when getting up off the ground.
There’s trauma for me there, too. We were once enjoying bao buns on that filthy patch of green in the centre of Leicester Square, packed with bewildered tourists as usual, and as we stood up to leave, my leg had gone to sleep, causing me to dramatically keel over. The splat resonated across the green, upsetting everyone, especially the pigeons.
Picnics with friends are fearsome events, too. You must balance taking the right amount to share, without seeming mean, and, for me, you must be creative. My psyllium husk flatbreads were rubbish, and someone actively sought me out once to tell me my sausage rolls were the driest things they’d ever eaten. I suggested spit might help.
Support me in my quest to make the perfect picnic (at home)…with a virtual (and bug free) coffee, over at https://ko-fi.com/willrankin
So, in short, beware the picnic. They are fraught with social anxiety and mores. You can’t eat too much, as there’s inevitably someone who whips out a frisbee or bat and ball just as you’re considering the wisdom of an eighth sandwich, and the conversation must revolve around the weather for at least 80% of the time. I’m reminded of the W.H. Auden quote: “Death is the sound of distant thunder at a picnic.”
BUT, dear reader, if you must drag half your lounge outside to eat cold, dry things for ten minutes under a pallid sun, I’m sharing some quick, easy recipes below that will impress the wicker wax off the most ardent pork pie and quiche Lorraine loving carcass munchers.
The recipes
Mini Vegan Pies
Homemade or shop-bought. Just use ready-rolled puff pastry (Jus-Rol is vegan) and fill with:
Vegan cheese sauce, caramelised onion, and thyme
Lentil and mushroom ‘sausage roll’ filling
Bake and cool - they’re perfect cold and sturdy to pack.
Cucumber & Cress Tea Sandwiches
A classic - veganised.
Use soft white or wholemeal bread (cut the crusts off for true (and slightly odd authenticity)
Spread with dairy-free cream cheese (In the UK, use Violife or Tesco Plant Chef)
Add thin slices of cucumber, a pinch of salt, and fresh cress.
Cut into neat triangles and wrap in parchment.
Always pack a second sandwich - how about red onion chutney and vegan cheddar? Or one of my favourites, (flavoured) hummus and grated carrot?
Mini Vegan Quiches
Blend silken tofu, then add kala namak (for “eggy” taste), sautéed leeks/spinach/mushrooms. Add a tiny pinch of turmeric for colour. Or follow this recipe.
Pour the gloop into pre-baked shortcrust cases, top with grated cheese/ herbs and bake.
Potato Salad with Mustard & Dill
Boil some new potatoes, halve them, and toss with:
Vegan mayo
Dijon mustard
Fresh dill (or spring onions)
Salt, pepper, lemon juice
Pack in a reusable container…
Victoria Sponge and Strawberries
Lots of places do ready-made vegan Victoria sponge cakes. But, here’s an easy recipe:
Ingredients
For the sponge
400g self-raising flour, plus extra for dusting
1¼ tsp bicarbonate of soda
250g caster sugar
115ml sunflower oil
400ml almond milk (or soya milk)
3 tbsp golden syrup
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 tbsp cider vinegar
4 tbsp strawberry jam
For the vegan buttercream
150g dairy-free plant butter, softened
300g icing sugar
1 tbsp vanilla extract
No self-raising flour? Add 2 tsp baking powder for every 150g plain flour
Preparation
Preheat the oven to 180°C/ 350F, fan 160°C/320F/ Gas mark 4. Grease and flour the sides and line the base of 2 x 23cm (9 inch) loose-bottomed cake tins.
Sift the flour, bicarbonate of soda and sugar into a large mixing bowl and mix together. Whisk together the sunflower oil, milk, syrup, vanilla and cider vinegar in a jug and pour the mixture into the dry ingredients, then whisk using a hand-blender for about 2-3 minutes until it gets thick and creamy.
Spoon the mixture into your cake tins and bake for 35–45 minutes until risen and cooked through. Remove from the oven and leave to cool for 15 minutes in the tin, then remove and leave to cool completely on a wire rack.
While the cakes are cooling, make the filling: beat together the butter, icing sugar and vanilla in a mixing bowl, cover and leave to firm up in the fridge until needed.
Spread the jam evenly over one half of the cake, followed by two-thirds of the buttercream mixture. Top with the second cake, then spread the remaining cream on top.
Eat alongside a punnet of fresh British strawberries with a tiny pot of oat cream or caster sugar for dipping.
Biscuits for Dunking
Classic Hobnobs or Bourbons are accidentally vegan and budget-friendly. Tuck in a few for nostalgia and a sweet crunch.
Crisps
Never be seen at a picnic without at least three large bags of ‘posh crisps’, and a psaddling pool filled with hummous.
Drinks
A flask of Earl Grey or English Breakfast tea
A bottle of chilled elderflower cordial mixed with fizzy water — quintessentially British and refreshing.
Pack Smart:
Use a small cooler bag or insulated tote
Bring a light blanket, compostable napkins, and reusable cutlery
Keep sandwiches and pies in baking paper/ parchment or beeswax wraps to cut down plastic.
Final note
If you must brave the great outdoors with food, make stuff at home and take your containers home with you. Every day, my local park is decimated with litter, and it’s all ready-made food packaging and booze bottles. It’s very strange to go out and enjoy nature while also choosing to ruin it, right? And Wombles aren’t real (sadly)!
And go on - take a chair. You know you want to.
Loved this Will. But buttercream on a Victoria sponge? Oh no!! It has to be fresh cream!! I’ve seen Oatly does a whipping one. I think I’ll make one this weekend.